Fear and Grieving

I'm not sure that I ever talked about my emotions on Gotcha Day. I was so excited to pick up the Little Bee. I couldn't wait to get to the orphanage and bust her out. I had thought about it for so long...and then there we were. Sitting in the room with all the little children who WEREN'T coming home to a new mama and papa and a family that loved them and wanted to make everyday special for them. Children that weren't #1 to anyone. Children that the Little Bee played with every day, went to bed with every day, dined with every day, woke up with every day...the only home she had ever known and suddenly...

I had a fear of taking her from the only home she had ever known.

I grieved for the children we were leaving behind. 

For the little frozen boy that stood there terrified because he was just dropped off. For little D who only wanted me to cuddle him on my shoulder (forever) when he bumped his head on the floor...for the others. The tiny faces that were part of my dreams since we first set foot in the orphanage 5 months earlier.

I too was frozen.

J kept asking me if I was ready to dress E and leave. I shook my head no.

I stalled.

It took me awhile to work up the nerve to dress her and to say goodbye to the children that I would never see again. That she would never see again.

She cried. I cried.

These emotions were unexpected. I thought it would only be joy and delight, and I had that...but I also had fear and I also had grieving.

Sometimes I still cry for those little faces.

Then I think of E and the laughter and the giggles. Our #1. I am happy to make every day special for you my sweet Bee.

I love you.

~mama